Yesterday was simultaneously the best and worst day of my life. Bittersweet is the only word that I can think of that could describe the feelings that your daddy and I are experiencing.
I had my procedure done on Wednesday and they removed close to a gallon of amniotic fluid. They kept me in monitoring for a short while, but nothing seemed to change so they released me in time for dinner. That night, long after the procedure, I started to feel crampy. I called the on call doctor around 1:00 in the morning because something just didn't feel right. She basically talked me down and told me to go back to bed. At about 2:45 I woke your dad up because the cramping was becoming very intense. He humored me, and we left for the hospital to get checked even though we both expected to turn around and come back home.
We arrived at the hospital at 3:00 am on Thursday morning. The nurse checked me and confirmed that I was already 3cm dilated and 90% effaced-I was in labor. They moved me down to a special room in labor and delivery that is away from all of the other rooms. I was having very strong and consistent contractions by this point and my water had partially broken, but resealed itself. I labored for about 3 more hours and then requested my epidural to ease the pain.
After getting my epidural, the nurse asked if I wanted her to go ahead and check me again or if I would rather her wait until later. I told her to go ahead and check since she was already in there. I was already 10 cm and fully effaced. They decided to check me again around 9:30 to see if I was ready to push, my water broke the rest of the way, and we could already see your hair. They called in Dr. Link to begin the delivery. He told me to hold my breath and push in 10 second intervals. I pushed for two sets of 10 on the first contraction and then rested. On the second contraction, they counted to 10 but I was determined to get you out so I kept pushing until 13. You literally shot out and Dr. Link had to catch you in mid air.
They immediately cut your cord and laid you on my chest. You opened your beautiful blue eyes and you cried. Yes, my perfect baby with the imperfect lungs, you were able to cry out to us. It was the most beautiful sound that I have ever heard.
I have been stressing and worrying over all of the unknown details of your birth for the past months that we have known about your condition. I have prayed and prayed for you to be strong enough to meet us while you were alive. I was so scared that you would be born still, that you would suffer pain, that we would make the wrong decisions for you--I have literally spent hours going over every possible scenario in my head. I know that God was watching over us because your birth and life were perfectly peaceful and serene.
You were absolutely beautiful. Every feature was sheer perfection. I must have kissed your curly black hair, your tiny fingers, and your adorable belly a thousand times. I held you as close to me as I possibly could and buried my face in the nape of your neck. I wanted to feel you, touch you, and drink in absolutely everything about you. I stared at your perfect face for hours and ran my finger over your soft and delicate skin. I studied your tiny toes, the elegant curve of your lips, and your perfect little bubble butt. I committed every tiny detail to memory.
Your time with us was short lived, but everything that we prayed for happened. All of your grandparents were able to meet you while you were still alive. Your birth did not compromise your life-you were so strong sweet baby. You passed peacefully in my arms about an hour after your birth. You never struggled and were never in distress. Your dad and I were there with you holding you close as you became the most beautiful angel that God has ever created.
I only find comfort in the fact that you are in the loving arms of Jesus. I know that Aunt Pallie, Papa A., and Kyle were there waiting for your arrival as were many other loved ones from mine and daddy's families. I don't understand why God had to take you, I probably never will, but I am so blessed for every second that I have had you in my life. From the moment you were conceived you have been my strong and beautiful daughter--the baby that I have always dreamed of and was lucky enough to carry. You are worth every second of sadness and grief and I would do it all over again for 5 more minutes with you.
I promise that you will never be forgotten. Great things will happen on this earth because of your short presence here. Your brothers and sisters will always know about their big sister Avery--their special guardian angel. You will always be my baby, my sweet precious Avery Alis. You will always be the first granddaughter on both side of our family and you will always be mine.
My heart is broken into a thousand pieces today. Handing your body over to the nurse was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. My empty arms feel so heavy without you in them. Please watch over us as we plan your funeral and lay you to rest. Send us a tiny piece of your strength so that we can make it through this without you. I love you more than I have ever loved anything. I would give everything I have to bring you back, but I know I have to wait patiently until God is ready to bring me to you.
"An Angel in the book of life wrote down our babies birth, and whispered as she close the book....."Too beautiful for earth."
Rest in peace my sweet beautiful angel,