Sunday, February 19, 2012

I miss you so much

Dear Avery,
     The days since your birth have been really hard.  I miss you so, so very much.  I feel like we had to cram a lifetime of love into a tiny amount of time and it wasn't enough for me.  No amount of time with you would have ever been enough.  I will never forget the time that we had.

     When I lay down to sleep I relive every aspect of your life.  I can see your precious face again and all is right for awhile.  Then I wake up and remember that you aren't here and I feel sick to my stomach all over again.  I can't sleep for very long.  My mind is constantly racing.  I think about every detail over and over in my head.  I didn't know whether you were alive or not when you let out your first cry.  I keep playing that sound in my head on repeat.  It was the most beautiful music that my ears have ever heard.

     My milk came in this morning.  It seems like a cruel joke when I have no baby with me to feed.  I imagine what it would be like if I had you here with me.  I would give anything to comfort you in the middle of the night.  I want to hold you and rock you and feed you so badly, but I can't.

     We planned your funeral yesterday.  I want for everything to be perfect, just like you.  Your daddy and I went to the cemetery to pick out your grave first.  You will be buried under a beautiful evergreen next to many other babies that have passed before you.  I wonder if you have already met them all in heaven.  It was really hard to see all of the tiny graves, knowing that one of them would soon be yours.

     We met with a man named Marty at the funeral home to make your arrangements.  I talked to him about a month ago and we cried together on the phone.  He lost his twins many years ago.  If you see them, tell them that their daddy loves them very much and still misses them everyday.

     Your daddy and I asked to see you again yesterday.  I couldn't stand the thought of you being in the same building but not right there with me.  They brought you out so we could hold you again.  You were still swaddled up in your blankets and looked like a beautiful sleeping angel.  We sat there and cried while we told you how much we loved you.  I know you weren't in that body anymore, but I know that you could hear us in heaven.

    Your funeral will be at 10:30 on Monday morning at Ratterman Funeral Home on Bardstown Road.  Your daddy and I are going at 8:00 so that we can dress you one last time.  You will be wearing a beautiful satin gown with pearls and lace and dainty pink ribbon.  There is a group that makes these gowns and donates them for babies like you.  They are made out of donated wedding dresses because a wedding is the most important day in a girls life--your most important day just came early.  I have been trying to sew you a bonnet to match your dress, but I haven't been able to get it perfect yet.  I will keep trying.

                                                         I miss you princess,


1 comment:

  1. somehow i've stumbled across your blog and now i am a complete mess after reading your last few posts. i cannot imagine what you are going through right now. please know you will be in my thoughts and prayers.