Your dad is away in St. Louis for Tyler's 30th birthday party and I am home alone taking a walk down memory lane. Sometimes it still feels like a dream when I think about this past year. How could this possibly be my life? And then I then I walk back through our journey in my mind, and it is all so very real.
I have been working on your book throughout the weekend and reliving each aspect of your life in the process. So far, I have about 50 pages written and I am only up to December 2011. There is just so much to say, so many emotions, so much uncertainty throughout that time that it is almost impossible to convey it all in words. I will continue to try so that your brother, and any future siblings, will be able to know everything about their big sister.
Your brother has just started kicking me hard enough that I can feel it through my belly. I am hoping that your dad will be able to feel it soon too. All of this movement from Blake brings me back to your pregnancy. I'll never forget how much excitement I felt at your first little flutters. I'll always remember how excited you would get when you heard loud music, and the first time that your dad was able to feel you at Christmas Eve mass. All of these little reminders bring a smile to my face and tears to my eyes--so very bittersweet. I miss you sweet girl.
I still love you to the moon and back,
Friday, October 19, 2012
YOU ARE HAVING A BABY BROTHER!!! His name will be Blake Avery Ogburn and he is perfectly formed inside of me. We want for him to have part of your name as a tribute to his special guardian angel (that's you!)
It is very surreal to think of just how much our lives are impacted because of your existence. If we hadn't lost you, we most likely would not be expecting Blake right now--you are the reason that he exists. It is all very thought provoking and you have touched our lives in more ways that we could ever imagine.
I can honestly say that, for the first time in this pregnancy, I am more excited than terrified. I am slowly letting go of my fears and starting to enjoy my time with your little brother. I will be the first to admit that it is not easy being pregnant after losing you. Sometimes I feel guilty for loving another baby and it has been much harder to form that initial connection. However, I am getting there and I know that there is enough love to go around.
It is amazing to me how different this pregnancy is compared to yours. I am definitely less swollen so far and I haven’t really been into sweets. Blake is still breech, so his kicks feel really different too. He mostly kicks straight down and right into my bladder—thanks for never doing that sweet girl! I’m really hoping that he flips over soon so that I can get a break from the bladder kicks J.
I love you so much Princess,