Monday, April 16, 2012

Two months and a due date

Dear Avery,
     I am missing you just a little bit more today.  Today is the day that we should be bringing you home from the hospital, but instead we will visit your tiny grave.  It's amazing to think how things can change so much in the blink of an eye.  Happy two month day sweet angel-you are always in my heart.
                                                                               I love you,

"Sometimes love is for a moment.
Sometimes love is for a lifetime.
Sometimes a moment is a lifetime"

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Numbers and good news

Dear Avery,
The number 16 holds so much significance in this journey. November 16th is the day that we learned about your condition-the day that all of our visions of what our life would be were changed forever. On February 16th we welcomed you into the world and then watched you leave much to fast. That will forever be a day that I cherish in my heart. Now, we are rounding on another significant 16-your original due date, and two month birthday, is approaching on Monday. Two loss moms who have helped me to cope on this journey of life and love have angels whose birthdays fall on April 16th. It seems too prevalent to chalk up to coincidence. Someone once told me that 7 is God's perfect number and the digits in this regularly occurring number equal just that.

13 has always been my lucky number and 3 has been your Dads. Those numbers continue to pop up as well. You were 13.3 inches long and 3lbs 13.3 oz at birth.  I arrived at the hospital at 3:00 am to find out that I was 3 cm dilated and it took me 3 pushes to get you out. 3 is the numerical sign of the Holy Trinity signifying God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. It's yet another random occurrence that shouts to me that God's hand was always present throughout our time with you.

I am feeling more hopeful than ever since the moment that we said goodbye. The geneticists ran another test on your DNA and were able to confirm your diagnosis once and for all as Thanatophoric Dysplasia. The timing of the results and the fact that they even found enough DNA to run the test in the first place let me know that Our sweet guardian angel is watching out for us here on earth. Thank you for bringing peace to your daddy and I sweet baby. Knowing that we could eventually have a healthy rainbow baby to raise here on Earth gives me a greater purpose for being here. There are times when I wish that I could just come straight to you, but I know that my work here is not finished so I am patient.

Your dad and I are spending Spring Break at your Mimi and Papa's and are thoroughly enjoying the beautiful sunshine. Thanks for letting us see the beauty of this world even when you aren't here with us. I love you so much sweet girl. Keep us safe and continue to shine bright in heaven little angel.


Thursday, April 5, 2012

Back to work

Dear Avery,
     Today is 7 weeks fromt your birthday and I am slowly learning to pick up the pieces and cope with this life of loss.  I still miss you with all of my being, but I am finding moments of peace and clarity through it all.  I can definitely say that I am doing better today than I was7 weeks ago, but grief is a funny thing sweet baby.  I can feel perfectly fine and then it rears its ugly head and stops me in my tracks.  All of a sudden I am right back to that moment. 
      The first day back at work went really well. My kids have all of there special area classes in one chunk on Thursdays, so I had a big chunk of the day to myself (as I do today.) Friday was tougher, but still good for the most part. Several of my kids brought me flowers and I was putting all the vases in a box to carry to my car at the end of the day. One of my little boys said "those will be beautiful at her funeral."  This incredibly sincere and selfless thought made the tears start to well up in my eyes.  When he said it, he stumbled over the word "funeral" and tried to correct himself a couple of times before saying "I can't say that word."  The little girl next to him made it her mission to help him so they kept practicing together: "funeral. Fu-ner-al. Funeral" over and over and over.

      I felt myself starting to break down immediately. I couldnt let them know they were making me sad, so I asked them to run an errand for me so that I could try and hold it together. I made it to my car before I broke down and I went straight to the cemetery to visit you. I passed pregnant women everywhere on my way to your grave, which just made me more hysterical. It just felt so unfair that I am driving to a cemetery to visit my daughter when everyone else seems to keep theirs.  The desparation that I felt to hold you at that moment was unfathomable.  At that moment, I would have given anything to touch you again. 

     This week has been a little bit better and I feel like I am getting back into the swing of being at work.  Your daddy and I are going to Florida next week for Spring Break, so I have that to look forward to.  I can't wait to see all of our Brunson family again and enjoy some time in the beautiful sunshine.  I just wish that I could be bringing you home with me to meet everyone for the first time.  But I am not.  Life isn't always fair Princess. 

                                                             I miss you Sweet Pea,