Thursday, April 5, 2012

Back to work

Dear Avery,
     Today is 7 weeks fromt your birthday and I am slowly learning to pick up the pieces and cope with this life of loss.  I still miss you with all of my being, but I am finding moments of peace and clarity through it all.  I can definitely say that I am doing better today than I was7 weeks ago, but grief is a funny thing sweet baby.  I can feel perfectly fine and then it rears its ugly head and stops me in my tracks.  All of a sudden I am right back to that moment. 
      The first day back at work went really well. My kids have all of there special area classes in one chunk on Thursdays, so I had a big chunk of the day to myself (as I do today.) Friday was tougher, but still good for the most part. Several of my kids brought me flowers and I was putting all the vases in a box to carry to my car at the end of the day. One of my little boys said "those will be beautiful at her funeral."  This incredibly sincere and selfless thought made the tears start to well up in my eyes.  When he said it, he stumbled over the word "funeral" and tried to correct himself a couple of times before saying "I can't say that word."  The little girl next to him made it her mission to help him so they kept practicing together: "funeral. Fu-ner-al. Funeral" over and over and over.

      I felt myself starting to break down immediately. I couldnt let them know they were making me sad, so I asked them to run an errand for me so that I could try and hold it together. I made it to my car before I broke down and I went straight to the cemetery to visit you. I passed pregnant women everywhere on my way to your grave, which just made me more hysterical. It just felt so unfair that I am driving to a cemetery to visit my daughter when everyone else seems to keep theirs.  The desparation that I felt to hold you at that moment was unfathomable.  At that moment, I would have given anything to touch you again. 

     This week has been a little bit better and I feel like I am getting back into the swing of being at work.  Your daddy and I are going to Florida next week for Spring Break, so I have that to look forward to.  I can't wait to see all of our Brunson family again and enjoy some time in the beautiful sunshine.  I just wish that I could be bringing you home with me to meet everyone for the first time.  But I am not.  Life isn't always fair Princess. 

                                                             I miss you Sweet Pea,

No comments:

Post a Comment