Wisconsin, Florida, and a Beautiful Rainbow

Dear Avery,
       Wow!  It has been a busy summer.  We have been travelling a lot and enjoys lots of sunshine.  You are never far from our hearts and minds, and I love telling people your story.
  
      Faith's Lodge was AMAZING!!!  I am SO incredibly glad that I was able to talk your dad into going.  He was very apprehensive, but loved every minute we were there.  We met some really amazing people and did a lot of healing.  There were loosely scheduled activities to get everyone together, but they never forced you to do anything. We shared pictures and stories and stayed up late playing games in the great room.  There was a memorial table with all of our babies' pictures set up right when you enter the lodge.  We took trips to the dairy farm, the beach, and to watch music in the park.  It was a beautiful and relaxing weekend!  We made a lot of new friends, so I am sure that you did too.  I want you to have a big play date in heaven with Annabelle, Patricia, Sierra, Sienna, Isaiah, Colin, and Avery.  We really loved all of their parents, so I am sure that they will be a ton of fun too!

     After we left Wisconsin, we headed down to Florida for two whole weeks.  We brought back plenty of cheese curds to share!   I came in town with a bucket list of sorts.  I had a slew of water activities that I wanted to complete on the trip, and I am proud to say that we did them all!  We went to Big Kahunas' Water park, Vortex Springs, and of course the beautiful gulf.  We even took the boat out to Crab Island one day. 

      We headed to Clearwater Beach the second weekend that we were in Florida for my friend Lauren's beautiful wedding.  The weather didn't quite cooperate, but the wedding was perfect none the less.  That weekend proved to be a pretty memorable one for us as well.  We found out that you were going to be a big sister!

      On the morning of Lauren's wedding, I took a pregnancy test in our hotel room and got an incredibly faint positive result.  It was so light that I thought I was inventing the line.  Your dad thought he saw it too, but we both had to stare REALLY hard, so we decided that we would wait until we got a darker result before spilling the beans. I grabbed two more tests from my suitcase as soon as we got back to Mimi and Papa's house on Sunday evening.  This time the pink line was a little bit darker.  I took a digital test because I was still in disbelief, and the word "pregnant" immediately flashed on the screen.  I just left the tests on the bathroom counter for Mimi and Papa to find and went about my business.  Needless to say, they were very excited!

      We are extremely excited and terrified at the same time.  I can't bare the thought of losing another child and it is really hard not to think that way after already burying my first baby.  I fully believe that you are looking out for your little sibling, and that brings me a peaceful feeling.  I associate the number 3 and 13 with you, (You were 13 pounds 13.3 ounces, 13.3 inches long, I got to the hospital at 3:00am, I was 3 cm, it took 3 pushes, I pushed for 13 seconds, etc.) so I was comforted when I found out that this baby would be due in March (03) of 2013.  I also saw two rainbows in the month of June that led me to believe that we would be bringing home a rainbow baby soon.  Please continue to watch over us as we push through this difficult journey of pregnancy after loss.  We love you  and miss you so incredibly much sweet girl.

A rainbow baby is a baby born after the loss of an older child. The beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and cloud. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and hope.

                                                           I love you princess,
                                                                      Mom
                                              
                                                   Aerial view of our camp fire at the lodge

The whole crew at Faith's Lodge

    Heartstones by the Bridge of Hope.  Yours is the purple one with green writing, Annabelle's is pink, and Sierra and Siennas are the other purple ones.

                                             Your little sibling at 6 weeks.

                                                                    6 week belly

Your headstone is in

Dear Avery,

     Today has been an emotional day.  Nothing quite prepares you for the sight of your daughter's headstone for the first time.  It was breathtakingly beautiful, but so very permanent.  I am so excited that your spot on earth is now marked for eternity, but it brought back a flood of emotions which took me right back to that very first day.  I still miss you with every minute that passes and think of you with every breath that I take.

     I have been battling with the insurance company on a daily basis over the same claims.  I don't understand why things can't just be simple.  You can never talk to the same person twice.  It is all resolved when you get off the phone, and then they send you a letter to tell you that nothing will change. Then the process starts all over again.  I am so tired of dealing with all of this and I pray that it is truly resolved this time.

      I just called for the second time about ordering your birth certificate.  The lady on the phone said that there is a good chance that your birth was never reported since you only lived for an hour and a half.  My response is that you LIVED. Period!!  You were born, and you died and I want for you to have what all other babies get.  I took a chance and paid the $19.00 to receive a copy knowing that I might just get a letter saying that one doesn't exist.  I won't take no for an answer though, you will have a birth certificate if I have to drive to Frankfort and type it up myself.

      Your dad and I are leaving tomorrow for a long, and much needed, weekend of rest and relaxation at Faith's Lodge.  I am so excited to get away from it all with people who understand.  I met Andrea through an internet message board shortly after we learned that you would not live.  She lost her daughter Annabelle to Anencephaly about 6 months before you were born.  She is the only other person who I have come to know through this journey that carried to term knowing that her baby would die, and she has been a huge support to me.  I am so excited to spend the weekend with her and her husband as well as 6 other couples who have been in our shoes.  I would really appreciate it if you could send us some sunshine so that we can get some beach and boating time in.

                                                        I love you baby,
                                                                  Mom

                                                                 

Dear Avery,
      Yesterday your dad and I celebrated two years of wedded bliss.  I love him even more today than I did the day that we said "I do."  He is my rock and I couldn't imagine spending this crazy life with anyone other than him.  You are a lucky girl to call him your dad and I am a lucky lady to call him my husband!
                                                  I love you Princess,
                                                                   Mom

Mother's Day

Dear Avery,

     It is my first Mother's Day today.  I should be snuggling you and looking forward to learning your future, but instead I sit and mourn your past.  I mourn the future that I will never know and  I miss you so much.  This rainy weather seems so appropriate for the way that I feel right now.

     We went to Buckhead's for lunch today and they handed each mother a flower when they walked in the door.  They didn't hand me one and it really hurt.  It was just a stupid carnation but I wanted it.  I wanted them to tell me happy Mother's Day and acknowledge that I was a mother too, but they never did.  I wanted for your dad to stand up and tell them that they made a huge mistake and forgot to give one to me, but he can't read my mind and he never did.  I just wanted for them, all of them, to know that you lived.  I just wanted the chance to talk about you and it never came. I miss you so much Avery and I wish with every ounce of my being that you were here in my arms.
  
                                                               I love you baby,
                                                                           Mom

Alis Volat Propiis

Dear Avery,

       I always thought that my middle name was a mistake--that your Mimi wrote it wrong on my birth certificate and that is why no one can pronounce it.  Now, I realize that the lack of an "e" was no mistake at all.  It was destiny.  You are Alis because I am Alis.  I wanted to give you a piece of my name because you are a piece of me.  And it is only now that I realize how appropriate that name is for a beautiful angel.

        Alis Volat Propiis.  I ran across this quote today and it piqued my curiousity.  Of course I had to look it up and figure out what our middle name actually means.  Alis volat propiis is a latin phrase that  means "She flies with her own wings."  Alis means winged-just like you are sweet angel! 

      I texted Mimi earlier to tell her that Alis volat propiis means she flies with her own wings.  Mimi texted me back that, "She is only flying if Aunt Pallie will put her down," and that brought a huge smile to my face.  I love the thought of you snuggling with Aunt Pallie in heaven.  She was a huge part of my childhood and now she is a huge part of yours too!  She was never able to have children until now; now she has you.  If I can't have you with me, she is my first choice for the job until I can get to you.  Please give her a huge hug from me!

                                                         I love you and miss you,
                                                                             Mom

Dear Avery,
    I miss you so much sweet angel.  Sometimes I truly can't believe that this is my life; that you are really gone.  I desparately want you back here with us.   I want a chance to hold you again, to raise you, to get to know you better.  Sometimes I feel like if I just concentrate on it hard enough that you might come back.  I know that is crazy talk, impossible actually, but I keep on wishing and praying that my baby was in my arms.  That is where babies are supposed to be--in their mother's arms.  You shouldn't be in the ground sweet girl.  It isn't right.  Parents aren't supposed to bury their children.  It isn't natural! This just isn't fair...babies aren't supposed to die.

                                                      I want you back Princess,
                                                                                      Mom

Two months and a due date

Dear Avery,
     I am missing you just a little bit more today.  Today is the day that we should be bringing you home from the hospital, but instead we will visit your tiny grave.  It's amazing to think how things can change so much in the blink of an eye.  Happy two month day sweet angel-you are always in my heart.
                                                                               I love you,
                                                                                          Mom

"Sometimes love is for a moment.
Sometimes love is for a lifetime.
Sometimes a moment is a lifetime"