We just got back from our MFM appointment with Dr. Weeks. You were just as beautiful as ever sweet girl. You moved your arms, kicked your legs, and arched your back the whole time. We caught another adorable yawn on camera and got some new 3-D pictures to show off.
Dr. Weeks didn't really find anything new, but he confirmed a lot of things that we had already suspected. He told us that your chest is incredibly small. It hasn't really grown at all since the last time he saw it. Your heart fills most of your chest cavity and it will definitely compromise your lung development. I still have a lot of excess amniotic fluid, which leads him to believe that your esophagus is too constricted or is not developed enough for you to swallow. He told us that he is fairly certain that your condition is lethal.
I have really struggled with the thought that we could make the wrong decisions once you are born. I do not want to cause you any unnecessary pain or suffering by forcing your body to live once you are ready to go, but I also don't want to give up on you if you truly have a chance. I am scared of leaving the hospital with any regrets as to whether we did too much or didn't do enough.
I asked Dr. Weeks what he would do if you were his daughter. I know that he is a Christian man and I have a strong feeling that he is also a father. I trusted that he would lead us in the right direction. He told us that if you were his, he wouldn't use extraordinary measures to keep you alive. He said that he would keep the time after your birth as peaceful as possible so that we could enjoy the intimate moments of your life as a family. My heart was telling me that this was the right path for us, but it was very reassuring to hear it from him as well.
He said that I am still at risk for preterm labor and that there is no way to accurately predict when that time will come. His best guess is that I will be able to make it past the 30 week mark, but that there was no way to be certain. We talked about the possibility of you being born still and that there could be an appointment in the future where we are unable to find your heartbeat. He wanted for us to know that there is plenty of medical and scientific evidence to show that you already know us. You can recognize our voices and you already feel our love. He wanted for us to rest assured that if this becomes reality, we have already bonded with you throughout the time that we have spent together.
After our appointment, we met with a perinatal hospice nurse to discuss our options. Her name is Karen and she was very helpful and loving. She showed us the room where you will be born. It is away from most of the labor and delivery rooms so we would have plenty of privacy. There is another large room next door to the delivery room where our family and friends could wait without having to use the main waiting room. She talked to us about laying you to rest and suggested some options to celebrate your life. She showed us some beautiful resting gowns that they have for babies like you and said that they would make sure that you have something to wear if none of your clothes fit. It was comforting to see where we will be and to hear how accommodating they will be for our delicate situation.
Regardless of the outcome, you will always be our first child. Your brothers and sisters will know all about you and you will always be a part of our family. I love you to the moon and back and I pray that you will not suffer during your time on earth. Keep kicking beautiful angel.