This past week has been pretty tough for me. As we get closer to the day of your birth, it is becoming very concrete to me that the time where I can safely protect you from the world is coming to an end. I greet the world “belly first” these days which is first and foremost a blessing because it lets everyone know that you are here. Sometimes though, it makes it much harder to cope emotionally. People ask about you constantly-“Is this your first?” “What will you name her?” “Are you soooo excited?” These are the usual comments and I can generally smile through and answer when it is a complete stranger asking. The comment that is the hardest for me to hear is “Just wait until she is ____ old. Then you will really have your hands full!” I want nothing more than to have my hands full raising you and it kills me to hear people complain about this blessing. I know that it is always said with good intentions, but it is really hard knowing that I will most likely never get that opportunity when others are taking it for granted.
Everything I see and everything I do makes me think of you. This is both a blessing and a burden. I want you to be on my mind. Your life is the most important thing in my world. The burden is only because I literally have no control over my emotions. Every time I see a little girl with her mom or hear a baby cry I am reminded of the struggle that we are facing daily. I am happy to be facing this struggle because you are worth every second of it, but it has been the biggest trial of my life.
Yesterday in church, they did a separate collection for the Respect Life campaign. They talked about the thousands of babies who are aborted each year and it brought on an unstoppable stream of tears. I want nothing more than to have you in my life and there are people everywhere who choose to end the lives of their babies. I have friends who desperately want a child of their own and are unable to conceive. I understand that the people who choose to end their child’s life are in a difficult place and it is not my job to judge their decisions, but it is just not fair.
You are wanted. You are loved. You could have a wonderful life with our little family. But the truth of the matter is, I don’t get to make that decision. I chose to give you all of the life that I can because you deserve it sweet baby. It is ultimately up to God and only God. I pray every day that he will grant me the ability to be at peace with His choices for you.
I have been reading a lot lately. Heaven is for Real and I Will Carry You helped me to realize that even though I love you with every fiber of my being, there is someone who loves you more. Your life is very purposeful sweet angel and only God knows the plan that He has for you. He is a loving God and he does not relish in our pain. He understands the suffering that we are enduring because he has been there before. The most powerful thought that I came away with that one way or another, you will be healed. It might not be here on earth, but God will make you whole.
When Lazarus’ sisters mourned over his death, Jesus mourned with them. He wept on his way to raise Lazarus from the dead because of the suffering that his followers were enduring. He knew that Lazarus would live, but they did not. He knew that there would be a joyous celebration, but they did not. He wept for the pain of his people. I am certain that he is weeping for us. He knows that this is all part of a larger plan, but He also knows that we do not understand that plan yet. A very wise woman (your Great Grandma Ogburn) told your dad that a miracle would come out of this trial. It might not be the miracle that we requested, but there will be a miracle none the less. I cling to the hope that we will one day understand why this is all happening. Until that day, I have to learn to let go and let God run things. It is much easier said than done.
I love you princess,