Your headstone is in

Dear Avery,

     Today has been an emotional day.  Nothing quite prepares you for the sight of your daughter's headstone for the first time.  It was breathtakingly beautiful, but so very permanent.  I am so excited that your spot on earth is now marked for eternity, but it brought back a flood of emotions which took me right back to that very first day.  I still miss you with every minute that passes and think of you with every breath that I take.

     I have been battling with the insurance company on a daily basis over the same claims.  I don't understand why things can't just be simple.  You can never talk to the same person twice.  It is all resolved when you get off the phone, and then they send you a letter to tell you that nothing will change. Then the process starts all over again.  I am so tired of dealing with all of this and I pray that it is truly resolved this time.

      I just called for the second time about ordering your birth certificate.  The lady on the phone said that there is a good chance that your birth was never reported since you only lived for an hour and a half.  My response is that you LIVED. Period!!  You were born, and you died and I want for you to have what all other babies get.  I took a chance and paid the $19.00 to receive a copy knowing that I might just get a letter saying that one doesn't exist.  I won't take no for an answer though, you will have a birth certificate if I have to drive to Frankfort and type it up myself.

      Your dad and I are leaving tomorrow for a long, and much needed, weekend of rest and relaxation at Faith's Lodge.  I am so excited to get away from it all with people who understand.  I met Andrea through an internet message board shortly after we learned that you would not live.  She lost her daughter Annabelle to Anencephaly about 6 months before you were born.  She is the only other person who I have come to know through this journey that carried to term knowing that her baby would die, and she has been a huge support to me.  I am so excited to spend the weekend with her and her husband as well as 6 other couples who have been in our shoes.  I would really appreciate it if you could send us some sunshine so that we can get some beach and boating time in.

                                                        I love you baby,
                                                                  Mom

                                                                 

Dear Avery,
      Yesterday your dad and I celebrated two years of wedded bliss.  I love him even more today than I did the day that we said "I do."  He is my rock and I couldn't imagine spending this crazy life with anyone other than him.  You are a lucky girl to call him your dad and I am a lucky lady to call him my husband!
                                                  I love you Princess,
                                                                   Mom

Mother's Day

Dear Avery,

     It is my first Mother's Day today.  I should be snuggling you and looking forward to learning your future, but instead I sit and mourn your past.  I mourn the future that I will never know and  I miss you so much.  This rainy weather seems so appropriate for the way that I feel right now.

     We went to Buckhead's for lunch today and they handed each mother a flower when they walked in the door.  They didn't hand me one and it really hurt.  It was just a stupid carnation but I wanted it.  I wanted them to tell me happy Mother's Day and acknowledge that I was a mother too, but they never did.  I wanted for your dad to stand up and tell them that they made a huge mistake and forgot to give one to me, but he can't read my mind and he never did.  I just wanted for them, all of them, to know that you lived.  I just wanted the chance to talk about you and it never came. I miss you so much Avery and I wish with every ounce of my being that you were here in my arms.
  
                                                               I love you baby,
                                                                           Mom

Alis Volat Propiis

Dear Avery,

       I always thought that my middle name was a mistake--that your Mimi wrote it wrong on my birth certificate and that is why no one can pronounce it.  Now, I realize that the lack of an "e" was no mistake at all.  It was destiny.  You are Alis because I am Alis.  I wanted to give you a piece of my name because you are a piece of me.  And it is only now that I realize how appropriate that name is for a beautiful angel.

        Alis Volat Propiis.  I ran across this quote today and it piqued my curiousity.  Of course I had to look it up and figure out what our middle name actually means.  Alis volat propiis is a latin phrase that  means "She flies with her own wings."  Alis means winged-just like you are sweet angel! 

      I texted Mimi earlier to tell her that Alis volat propiis means she flies with her own wings.  Mimi texted me back that, "She is only flying if Aunt Pallie will put her down," and that brought a huge smile to my face.  I love the thought of you snuggling with Aunt Pallie in heaven.  She was a huge part of my childhood and now she is a huge part of yours too!  She was never able to have children until now; now she has you.  If I can't have you with me, she is my first choice for the job until I can get to you.  Please give her a huge hug from me!

                                                         I love you and miss you,
                                                                             Mom

Dear Avery,
    I miss you so much sweet angel.  Sometimes I truly can't believe that this is my life; that you are really gone.  I desparately want you back here with us.   I want a chance to hold you again, to raise you, to get to know you better.  Sometimes I feel like if I just concentrate on it hard enough that you might come back.  I know that is crazy talk, impossible actually, but I keep on wishing and praying that my baby was in my arms.  That is where babies are supposed to be--in their mother's arms.  You shouldn't be in the ground sweet girl.  It isn't right.  Parents aren't supposed to bury their children.  It isn't natural! This just isn't fair...babies aren't supposed to die.

                                                      I want you back Princess,
                                                                                      Mom

Two months and a due date

Dear Avery,
     I am missing you just a little bit more today.  Today is the day that we should be bringing you home from the hospital, but instead we will visit your tiny grave.  It's amazing to think how things can change so much in the blink of an eye.  Happy two month day sweet angel-you are always in my heart.
                                                                               I love you,
                                                                                          Mom

"Sometimes love is for a moment.
Sometimes love is for a lifetime.
Sometimes a moment is a lifetime"

Numbers and good news

Dear Avery,
The number 16 holds so much significance in this journey. November 16th is the day that we learned about your condition-the day that all of our visions of what our life would be were changed forever. On February 16th we welcomed you into the world and then watched you leave much to fast. That will forever be a day that I cherish in my heart. Now, we are rounding on another significant 16-your original due date, and two month birthday, is approaching on Monday. Two loss moms who have helped me to cope on this journey of life and love have angels whose birthdays fall on April 16th. It seems too prevalent to chalk up to coincidence. Someone once told me that 7 is God's perfect number and the digits in this regularly occurring number equal just that.

13 has always been my lucky number and 3 has been your Dads. Those numbers continue to pop up as well. You were 13.3 inches long and 3lbs 13.3 oz at birth.  I arrived at the hospital at 3:00 am to find out that I was 3 cm dilated and it took me 3 pushes to get you out. 3 is the numerical sign of the Holy Trinity signifying God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. It's yet another random occurrence that shouts to me that God's hand was always present throughout our time with you.

I am feeling more hopeful than ever since the moment that we said goodbye. The geneticists ran another test on your DNA and were able to confirm your diagnosis once and for all as Thanatophoric Dysplasia. The timing of the results and the fact that they even found enough DNA to run the test in the first place let me know that Our sweet guardian angel is watching out for us here on earth. Thank you for bringing peace to your daddy and I sweet baby. Knowing that we could eventually have a healthy rainbow baby to raise here on Earth gives me a greater purpose for being here. There are times when I wish that I could just come straight to you, but I know that my work here is not finished so I am patient.

Your dad and I are spending Spring Break at your Mimi and Papa's and are thoroughly enjoying the beautiful sunshine. Thanks for letting us see the beauty of this world even when you aren't here with us. I love you so much sweet girl. Keep us safe and continue to shine bright in heaven little angel.

XOXO,
Mom